Chal Dhanno… Alvida!

™Papa bought a new car today

™Nothing is new or un-usual in this, thousands of people do that everyday.

™But that also means that our old –twenty year old faithful ambassador has to be replaced. It will be sold to some random junkyard.

™Bhaiya scolds me for getting attached to people, things , places ,rented houses so much so that I almost sound like the same 3 year old who sat on the back seat of the blue gypsey, with a basket full of toys on the lap and thick tears rolling down the cheeks, when we were getting shifted from the one BHK rented home to our own newly constructed home. I was getting all the more emotional because everyone else was happy and laughing at me.

™Same way I felt and behaved when I was leaving my hostel room at Nora Nivas or that one BHK home at Shahpur Jat.

™Not that I was always a sissy baby crying foul every time, my emotions were always in my control. In fact I controlled my tears on my vidaai even when everyone else was deeply crying. It was because Papa could have broke down emotionally very badly, being a chronic hypertension patient he is.

™It is only after my life has gone hay where three  years and a few months down the marriage lanes , that I have become emotional and tears well up very easily. When nothing turns up according to you, you can do nothing but cry! To the heart’s content.

™Anyways…That White Ambassador…

Twenty years back she came in our lives…

She has been a witness to our daily hustle bustle and internal strife.

We called her Dhanno because she served us so faithfully upright.

Normally , politicians and officials use ambassador to depict power.

For us she was epitome of space adjustment wherein even six seven of us could fit in and she would not even binge or cackle.

Her hoarse engine noise would sometimes make my mum frown,

But then she laughed because someone would come and say that Dhanno has made Papa and all of us renowned in that small town.

Be it my driving lessons that bhaiya gave on aerodrome or the long drive along the koyal river, Dhanno was always there.

Rocky terrains, village , mountains and hills, Papa and me have both worked socially and un-ceremonously alighting in and out of her.

Driving her at the speed of twenty I had made my Grandma proud.

She actively witnessed me bid adieu after marriage and bhabhi was warmly welcomed.

Travelling everyday to college universities and intellectual shrines everyday with Papa,

I have a feeling she must have become ‘half professor’ by now on honoraria !

Even More than all of us, she has served my parents well.

But its time to fare her well.

Makes me remind that Everything comes with an imprinted expiry date.

 Beyond that nothing stays, neither you, nor me, neither Dhanno , nor her story.

Because Sun sets on the horizon in all its glory.

PRACTICALLY EVERYDAY!!!

 

धूमऊ तजइ सहज करुआई , अगरू प्रसंग सुगंध बसाई।

धुंआ भी अगरबत्ती के संगत में अपने स्वभाविक कड़ुवेपन को त्याग कर सुगन्धित हो उठता है.  काश मैं भी अगरबत्ती की तरह जल सकती और आसपास के इतने ज़हरीले धुँए को सुवासित कर पाती. लेकिन इतनी बारूद ही कहाँ भरी है उपरवाले ने, कभी अगरबत्ती की डंडी गीली हो जाती है तो कभी माचिस ही नहीं चलती. कुछ चलता और दौड़ता है तो वो है वक़्त. बेतहाशा बेपरवाह बस  दौड़े ही जा रहा है. अब तो बस उसी पर भरोसा है की वो बीत जाए और अपने साथ ज़हरीले धुंए को लील जाए!

वायुर अनिलम् अमृतम् ;

अथेदम्  भष्मनतम शरीरम्। 

'Let this temporary body burned to ashes.

But the breath of life belongs somewhere else.

May it find its way back to the immortal soul! " 

equal= equal

अभाव किसे कहते हैं?
जिसे बदलना चाहिए पर चढ़ा ही रहता है ऐसे  ऊँचे भाव को ,
या पल पल बदलते तुम्हारे स्वभाव को?

ये तो वो दुर्भेद्य किला है
जिसे मेरे शांत पानी से जीवन में तुमने कंकड़ समझ फेका है.

एक आज़ाद चिड़िया थी मैं
नदी ,आकाश,बादल पहाड़ और परिंदे ;
जानते थे मुझे और मैं उन्हें।

उचाईयों से प्यार था मुझे ,
और उन ऊँचे दरख्तों को मुझसे !

मुझे खुली हवा के लिए तरसाया तुमने।

धूप  तो सबके पते पर मुफ्त भेजी थी न तुमने ?
उसको छनौटे से छान ,थोड़ी सी रौशनी क्यों भेजी है फिर मुझे?

विधाता कहते हैं लोग तुम्हे ,तुमसा और होगा न कोई महान।
पर समझ नहीं आता की कैसी है तुम्हारी विधि और विधान!

पता नहीं कब ख़त्म होगा मेरी नियति का इन्तेहाँ।
कब बराबर होंगी तुम्हारे हाथों की सारी  उँगलियाँ एक समान।

Stumbled Two thousand fifteen!

I remember a film called "SUNDAY", wherein under the effect of accidental drug overdose the protagonist skips the memories of a one full day that is Sunday, in which she commits a murder supposedly, but later, it turns out to be another case.

My Two thousand fifteen was the similar skipped one, the whole year! It passed away in such a haste!Started in a moronic monotonous note at kolkata. Me and my husband , small party with neighbors and lo it kick-started! Then we attended a cousin's wedding at Gurgaon that was too chilly to handle .

20th January saw the arrival of my adorable little nephew "Shrinu" My bhaiya and bhabhi were promoted as dad and mom and so were we. Proud 'Phuyiya ' I had become. That little piece of wonder and joy looks like my xerox copy.

Seven days later ; on 27th Jan, another gift of life, my cutie pie "Ansh" was born to my devrani. February went in all this transition. From Gurgaon to Raebareli to Kolkata etc.

March took us to pilgrimage... Tirupati-Bangalore, Nasik, Shirdi, Trayambekeshwar, Shani shingnapur and back to kolkata.

April to August end were peaceful one, started my own art and hobby classes from home ...Tushtee. I had a gala time with kids. https://shivangishaily2409.wordpress.com/

September took me on a short trip to my sweet home : the mayka: my Daltonganj. Husband ji got transferred to Delhi. Life had moved a full circle again, we traveled to Delhi , lived there for twenty days and returned to in-laws in early October.

November was little unfortunate, father in-law got a paralytic attack, since then we are waiting for his recovery. December disappeared somewhere! 

another year...2016

सुबह होगी
शाम होगी
पूरी उम्र शायद
यूं ही तमाम होगी!

कितने आज़ाद हैं हम !

मन की कर नहीं सकते
मन की करें तो टिक नहीं सकते
मानो एक बड़ा मछली बाजार फैला हो,
जिस मछली का मालिक दबंग , वही बिकेगी
वरना विशाल शार्क भी पत्थर के मोल निकलेगी
बोली लगा रहे हैं सारे यहाँ
कोई अपनी मछली की , कोई अपने भावनाओ की।
टिकता वही है जो बिकता है.  

EGO - Easy GOne!

I was walking a mile alone...down the alley,
life seemed a bundle of mistakes and folly.
I got a company and I was not alone on the road,
I was happy coz I did shed off some load!
Guilt and remorse surrounded me like serpents,
my rising anger just fueled up my repentance.
my negatives and my duo wished there were some changes in me,
I changed my Ego and that bought me Smiles -that have always Made me!

थोड़ी गुफ्त-गू कर लेती हूँ मौसमों से ,मेरी परछाइयो को जब जब मेरे होने का शक होता है। 
मैं हूँ, सबकी हूँ, यहीं पर हूँ, मेरी हर राह पर जमी धूल और उसपर पड़े मेरे पांव के निशान का यही कहना है।  

है दम ?

जो लोग अपने अंदर नकारात्मक ऊर्जा भरते जाते हैं, एक दिन ऐसा आता है कि उनकी यही ऊर्जा उन्ही के लिए प्राण घातक  सिद्ध  हो जाती है  . जीवन बहुत छोटा है।  हमारे इस देह को छोड़ जाने के बाद लोग हमें याद रखें इसके लिए ज़रूरी है कि आप लोगों कि सुबह कि किरण का कारण बने , न कि उनकी अमावस्या का।

गम तो बहुत हैं दुनिया में लेकिन हम भी कुछ कम नहीं।
हैं गम तो वही सही , तोड़ दे हमे ,अभी उसमें वो दम नहीं।

देवाची

ठाने अगर हम बदले कि , दिन रात बदल देंगे 
अंत हमें क्या बदलेगा, हम शुरुआत बदल देंगे . 

माना हमने अपनी आँखों में किसी के ख्वाब बोये है , बंजर ज़मीन पे हमने गुलाब बोये है 
हालत पे हमारी मत जाना, हम हालात बदल के रख देंगे।  

रिफ्रेश बटन

1. पढ़ाई करनी थी अपने मन के अनुकूल , माँ मुझे 'मन- की ' बुलाया करती थी …सरस्वति पुत्री  - कर लिया  ! 
2. पढना था , पापा के कदमो पर चल के- पढ़ा लिया!
3. समाज सेवा करनी थी- ३ साल कर लिया !
4.  चित्रकार बनना था- थोडा बहुत बन गयी हूँ !
5. अपनी किताब प्रकाशित करवानी है- मेरा अगला सपना यही है। 
6. एक छोटी सी दुनिया बनानी है - इस बड़ी सी दुनिया के एक शांत से कोने में।  - इसका ढांचा बन गया है, रंग भरने बाकी हैं  . फूल हरियाली से घिरी हुयी मेरी अपनी ही दुनिया हो।  एक दिन ये तस्वीर भी पूरी होगी ये उम्मीद है।  

कुछ दिनों पहले मैंने ये हिसाब बिठाया कि रो कर, गा कर, हँस करकर या चाहे जैसे भी हो उपरवाला मेरे ब्लॉग पोस्ट पढ़ के  ही मेरी किस्मत कि लकीरें खीच रहा है  और सपने पूरे कर रहा है।  इसीलिए मैंने भी रिफ्रेश बटन दबा दिया।  

A DAD’S SPEECH AT HIS DAUGHTER’S WEDDING

I thought I would start my speech by addressing you as the “new” family of my daughter. But I think it would be inappropriate because now that she is married, you are “the family” for her. Believe me; I don’t have a problem with that. I, in fact, want my daughter to have “you” as her priority now. Its time for us to take a backseat in her life. We would happily accept it but would surely request one thing- please keep her happy! I am more than sure that you will keep her very happy. She will perhaps be happier than what she used to be here. But like all fathers, I obsess over my daughter’s happiness which is making me say this over and over again- please keep her happy! She never was and will never be a burden for me. She is in fact the reason why I breathe and smile. I am getting her married because this is what the law of nature demands. I am helpless in the face of our culture and therefore sending her to your home. She was the happiness of my home and will now light up your home. I am giving my world to you. Please make sure it remains beautiful. I am giving away my princess to you. Please make sure she stays as a queen. I have raised her with my sweat and blood and now she is wonderfully perfect. For all the care, love, beauty and warmth my daughter will bring into your lives, I just want her happiness in return—please keep her happy! If at times you think that my daughter has said or done something wrong, feel free to scold her. But handle her with love. She is very fragile. If at times she feels low, be with her. She just needs a little bit of your attention. If at times she feels sick, show her some care. It’s the medicine that works best for her. If at times she fails to fulfill a responsibility, feel free to chastise her. But empathize with her. She is still learning. Do understand her—please keep her happy! I don’t mind if I don’t get to see her for months. I don’t mind if I am not able to talk to her on a daily basis. I would be more than happy if she doesn’t remember me much. But, my only motive in life has been my daughter’s happiness which is now in your hands. I beg you, please keep her happy. Dear son-in-law, these words may not mean much to you now but if you are lucky enough to father a daughter someday, you will appreciate them better when you will find every beat of your heart shouting – “please keep her happy”! -- Dedicated to all fathers and daughters.

Teaching people just few years younger to you makes you lively once again. Your brain becomes active and you start blinking at the slightest nonsensical talk which could otherwise might not have bothered you at all. 

You start re-living your college life once again. Mind starts framing connections and links with each and everything, every person around. 

Ignition has re-fuelled me once again. I am feeling happy to be back on track once again. 

N.B- Started teaching as Ad Hoc Assistant Professor at NIFT Raebareli recently  

When you choose to forgive those who have hurt you, you take away their power.

टूटे सुजन मनाइए, जो टूटे सौ बार। रहिमन फिरि फिरि पोहिए, टूटे मुक्ताहार॥

Break the law, break the rules, break the false ego, break the pseudo intellectual cover surrounding you, break free of the vices, break off from the bad habits....

But never break your relationship with your dear and dear ones especially when you know that they are on the righteous path. An occasional outburst of bad happening cannot be judged as the continuous symbol of bad heart. The person you are judging, might be undergoing a whole lot of strife to overcome his or her temperament -which according to you makes him a bad person. So , understand that person, do not mis-judge and later on regret.

Even if you try assembling the scattered and broken pearls of a neck piece, it worsens. It is quite difficult to redo . Similar is the case of severing relationship.  

छमा बड़न को चाहिये, छोटन को उत्पात। कह ‘रहीम’ हरि का घट्यौ, जो भृगु मारी लात॥

when you are young and you know it, you are bestowed with immense power of doing mistakes again and again. No one expects grave and mature behavior from you. You have an upper-hand which elders do not enjoy. They are pressurized to be sober and forgive the younger ones.

short skirt

A Decade back while I was a school going lass, I confronted a weird problem. It was my teenage years, where I was undergoing many hormonal and emotional changes within me. Being brought up in an upper middle class family, my parents never used to object to anything I chose to wear. In fact they encouraged if I opted for a modern dress on my birthday. Yet, seeing the environment around me, I had set my own rules and regulations of decency at the back of my mind. My school dress had a tunic skirt and a shirt. My Hemline was always four inches below knees, beyond which  I had stalkings/socks to cover up. Even at home my casual frocks and skirts where stitched in similar fashion. My mother used to call me old fashioned village girl owing to my taste in dressing up.

Everything was alright till the turn of the century. While 1900s were turning into 2000s a high tide of westernization came afloat. I remember very well my school contact letter with instruction that the uniform skirts should be stitched four inches “above” the knees. It was like an embarrassing thing for a girl like me. I was ‘hurt’ At that point of time thoughts like “who are they to decide what I should wear?”  erupted violently. Nevertheless, I refused and went directly to my Principle saying, my skirt will be below knees like always. Hearing, she laughed out and then appreciated me in front of other teachers and students saying ‘ this girl has a mind of her own and you all will see , one day she will rule!’ As a result of this small rebellion, she made me Vice captain, Captain and finally Head girl of the school. Not that I am appreciating myself, but only I want to convey my point that Dressing up in shorts or long dresses should always be a personal decision.

Nevertheless, there also lies the fact that present day increase in rape, molestation and similar crime rate is quite high. Yet, Shorts and dressing sense has nothing to do with it. Vulgarity lies in the thinking of the criminal society. If you wear dark glares and watch the moon, wouldn’t it appear dark? Even if females start cladding themselves from head to toe in excess of fabric, ill minded male chauvinists will still find ways and means to discriminate.

Therefore, one should mind one’s own business and stop moral policing.

The holy books

In today's world ,more aptly, today's ever changing faith-less world where every second person is trying to drive you crazy, there are few things that can really make you stay grounded.

After every tumultuous phase of my life that could have either drove me mad or might have left me depressed or could have adversely affected me in one way or another; I switch over to reading holy books. I have done that in my past.  Once after scoring just passing marks' in Mathematics, my Nani ma introduced me to the Ramayana. She taught me to seek answers from Ramayana using Ramshlaka prashnawali. Another time with another set of turmoil going on in my mind, I used to read whole of Sunderkand within one hour for 6 consecutive Tuesdays.  Bhagwat geeta and verses of Bible also followed at that point of time.Not that I am religious or so much spiritual, but studying these books definitely gives you solace and better understanding of your own problems. In fact, if you are aware that similar things happened in the past , a sense of Deja-vu comes comforting you.

Recently, I have started reading Ramayana in detail. I spend nearly 1-2 hours daily doing that.I mark the verses which I find interesting and then later note down in my diary. i am planning to illustrate them in writing on this blog and then through sketch/drawing. Who knows it could be a good move towards the Kick start of my venture. I am seeking for a big instigation and this could prove to be the one.

"The Epic of Ramayana has a profound effect on the spiritual progress and culture. It is not just a book of beautiful poetry, it is a Dharma Shastra expounding lofty ethical ideals. The Epic is one of the great works of Hindu literature and later on became devotional, marking the end of the classical period in which Sanskrit was the language of holy writ [which few rural folk were able to read]. The devotional Hindus had the message of God. "God's love for all men irrespective of caste difference."  Ramayana binds together people of different castes and languages."

क्षमा शोभती उस भुजंग को जिसके पास गरल हो, उसका क्या जो दंतहीऩ, विषहीऩ, विनीत, सरल हो

Quite literally,When a serpent that has venom, teeth and strength forgives, there is grace in its forgiveness, there is magnanimity. But when a serpent that has no venom and no bite yet it claims to forgive, it sounds like hypocrisy and amounts to hiding its defeat with noble words

In today's world survival of the fittest matters the most. You have to be street smart ass to survive. Otherwise you will float and die. Drowning isn't the only way of doing it.

Humility, simplicity are the things meant for the meek. Be strong , roar ferociously and rule. Then only you would be like the serpent with the poison, capable of fully destroying everything. Then, if you forgive your prey, it would be called real humility. Otherwise, if you posses these qualities of humility and simplicity in today's world, it has  no value. You could be the one meant to be ridiculed at the hands of every passer  by.

Venom is not at all sinful thing in today's world. It has become a NECESSITY! As necessary as the  self esteem to tackles people's ego and black prejudices!

I am back!

The number of times I have stopped writing and then re started it with double excitement , again stopped, restarted seems like an infinite loop. Yet I am never tired of writing. It makes me happy and confident.

How so-ever wrong language I might use in my writing, Yet I do not stop expressing because that is what is most important . Language and rules can be taken care of elsewhere too.

Many things happened in life during last year while I was away from my blog. Snif sniff...Nostalgic. I took some of my life's big decisions. How good they are gonna be , time has yet to unfold that to me.

January took me to the Orissa for attending Indian Science Congress, a replenishing Family trip that made me contemplate about my already saturated Job life.

 February gave me a chance to meet my life partner for the first time. Took very less time to say yes to the upcoming arranged wedding union. i wish I could have thought more. We should always 'chew' our food rather than swallowing it in one gulp.

March came with new colors of Holi. My dear School friends made it special for me.

April was the 'Engagement' month. Got engaged discreetly.
May was peaceful one.

June turned out tragic one with the sad demise of my Darling Grandmother. She was ill for a long time and was suffering. It was like a 'mukti' to her soul. Yet I just wished if she could have seen me go away-I mean get married. I resemble her so much physically, Face,eyes, Layers of fats deposited, Names-Shila and Shaily , Laughing out loud literally rolling on the floor, crafting stories out of no where, telling lies, helping every x,y,z, socializing, talkativeness, large-warmheartedness (like people say, i do not know much about that) They say I have inherited the most out of my Dadi ma . I will miss her forever. May her soul rest in peace forever.

July saw reunion with my beloved School Principal. Me and Bhaiya went to meet her.

August was the last month of my Job. Life seemed like a big chaos. Everything had to be finished and handed over within a month. Mammoth task it was since I had been reigning like an princess, far and wide. My Job was quite widespread. Anyhow finished things within time.

September has always been my birthday month. I am happy girl in September. This was also a free month. Started living some free time. Pursued everything that appealed me. Wedding shopping took me to Varanasi , Ranchi, etc.

October came too quick. I was desperately doing all that was dear to me. Painting every nook and corner of the home, gardening, meeting people, staying free, reading voraciously, working out to reduce fats. Amazingly lost 7 kgs.

All throughout, new sense of 'mitha mitha' love  surrounded me. I was acquainted and amazed by the power of it , that was making me do things. Qouting Jab we met dialogue "kyunki wo pyar mein thi' . well cheesy one yet the fact was yes, I was enjoying my courtship days , although in a completely old fashioned way. I never met my husband before marriage and wrote letters, mails etc, unlike today's trends. Whatever!!!

November came and I was Married on Nov 28th 2012. Details afterwards.

December was a lousy and drwsy one, opposite of what was expected.

Hmmmph although it did not ended well, yet last year was an eventful one in my life. it shall prevail in my memory forever!!

श्रृष्टि से पहले सत  नहीं था , असत भी नहीं ,अंतरिक्ष भी नहीं , आकाश भी नहीं था ।
छिपा था क्या , कहाँ, किसने ढका था? उस पल तो अगम , अटल जल भी कहाँ था ।
श्रृष्टि का कौन है कर्ता  ? कर्ता है या है विकर्ता ?
ऊंचे आकाश में रहता ।  सदा अध्यक्ष बना रहता ।
वही सच मच में जानता , या नहीं भी जानता ...
है किसी को नहीं पता , नहीं पता, नहीं है पता ,नहीं है पता

इन लम्हों के दामन में पाकीज़ा से रिश्ते हैं,
कोई कलमा मोहब्बत का दोहराते फ़रिश्ते हैं ।

Arrival of Monsoooooooon

Shivi ki fulwari hi hi hi

My 1st designer moment

This was the 1st time that my designed/stitched garment went on the ramp. NIFT Spectrum-2009 . Purpose of putting it here is because I was formatting my hard disk and wanted to save this pic somewhere. :D

Another station passed by...

 Recently resigned from my job. Working with villagers and social upliftment has instilled so much of satisfaction. Although since last six months I had got saturated. I could not concentrate my mind...Whatever it is...when I was working, it was like I was over-working. Simultaneously performed so many jobs.

 But when I have left, I am missing people, place, faces everything that I was used to seeing from 10.00 a.m. to 5.00 p.m. everyday since 2 years and 2 months. Even now I pick up  my bag at 9.45 a.m to leave for  office...and then drop it instantly.... On September 1st it was followed by Sighs and Silent introspection. On 2nd, it was Sunday  so there was a gap. 3rd saw me pick and drop in a clandestine way , so that no one sees me doing that. Today is 4th and I dropped my bag with a huge thud.

Its over now . All over. Sooner I accept it, better it would be.